Just beginning a blog like this could let me venture beyond political correctness and into a basin of uncouth stories from my sexually frustrating ties with men. I'm not sure if it's safe to venture that this is an American issue, or if I'm a personal magnet for unusual men. I'd be pretty confident to bet that I'm not the only one. This week I came across an article that mentioned porn consumption, happy endings, and visits to strip clubs are on the rise as the economy is on the brink of collapse and white collar workers seek reprieve. I've read studies on class distinctions and sexuality, it's well documented how lower classes reproduce at a higher rate, which prior to contraception, indicated a fairer portrayal that the poor were just getting it on more. It leaves me wondering if men in lower social classes are more apt to get it on with a person, while those with money are more apt to turn to porn, strip clubs, and escorts. In the examination of my own experiences during challenging times, I found men were so isolated and fragmented that I either ended up with a player who felt some need to spread his seed to all of Manhattan or a man who self-medicated with fantasies and isolation.
I've always been open-minded when it comes to the bedroom, but the unintended consequences of access to porn and isolating practices are something that make me cautious. I don't judge any of these devices as bad, but when they allow for a disconnect instead of a connection, I think it's hurting the future of intimacy in our culture. I dated someone for five months, taking things extremely slow, but when it came time for intimacy he would be the first to ask for a photo of me to take home to fantasize over instead of being physically present and intimate with the
real me. Convinced for the longest time that he was having an affair, my best friend simply concluded, "He's having an affair with you. It's just the image of you instead of the real you."
Another man, who was more player than isolator in the end, refused to watch porn because he found it desensitized him. However, his solo practices were so intense and aggressive that he had to refrain from self-pleasure because it made all activities with a woman seem too gentle, soft, and unfulfilling. Considered dorky and just "a friend" by women in his earlier dating years, he adopted a set of rules that allowed him to manipulate women and situations by feeding into their insecurities and making them want to be validated by him. I personally found the entire approach obnoxious and a turn-off.
I believe a great deal of these hang-ups stems from insecurity in our men. The players need to conquer and feel validated while the isolators withdraw into their minds from fear of letting go or being inadequate.A great amount of these unattainable images and goals are media-induced and affected by porn and pop culture. I find it hard to imagine John Smith and Pocahontas having the level of performance anxiety as men today. They'd find a soft patch of grass and get it on.
After reading eastern books regarding tantric sex and Taoism, I realize how twisted our own viewpoints are with sex. Spiritual leaders would prescribe sexual practices for healing and connecting with a partner. So much shame and secrecy, deeming sex as naughty and sinful with pop culture deeming violence in films more acceptable to viewing by children than bare breasts or sexual situations. Shame, fear, and puritanical notions are just creating a greater urge for people to self-medicate in private instead of connecting with an actual person. It's not that I condemn any of it, I just have some strong reservations when certain activities encourage a disconnect instead of a connection, whether it be to one's self or other people. I think if only more tolerance and self-acceptance were taught the foundation for healthy living and sexuality would be established.
Comments (3)
Just last week I saw a commercial with women and men in athletic suits exclaiming, "Size does matter!", the association for this smarmy gimmick being that men and women will achieve a sleek physique if they would use the advertised work-out equipment. On mainstream day-time T.V. of all places! What's more is the problem of male-enhancement commercials driving alot of men rationally blind to buy.
Those three simple words are paralyizing men's assurances to respond satisfactorily to women because he now feels like he's being assessed his sexual aptitude by every woman in the world. All one woman has to do, whether if it's on video, T.V., between she and another woman or man or a weblog, is allude the possibility that his penis fully extended will unsatisfactorily meet a woman's blanket criteria and he is maddeningly questioning forever his preformance quotient.
Men need to be told the truth from women. Women really need to tackle the problem; dispell the myth that those three words promote, so that women can get back real men.
I demur to go any farther since I have not the faculty of temperence to endure a procession of criticism maturely.
I'm really glad you wrote this. I see again and again how much damage all these false notions are giving. They're even molding women's expectations in an unhealthy way. People are less tolerant of themselves and of others. All these ads are fear-driven and fear-based. The focus is so much on maintaining a superficial image (the perfect hair, the perfect penis, the perfect abs) that the actual awesome functioning of a human body takes the back seat. And why is this fear even driven? For a profit. It's much easier to take money after you create some false need and make people feel inadequate. The whole connection to life and new adventures is overlooked for bullshit.
@MsDiatribe - I'm glad you responded to my comment. I had no idea that you had until I just came meandering in wondering what some other folks may have said regarding this issue.
This conversation occured between you and me. Think of all the relationships that had alot of potential that could have been saved if it was just for the fact that two people would have brought up something that was simply embarrasing to talk about; not so small a price to pay, embarrassment.
I'm reasurred knowing that there are real women out there when I've just met one today.